No good...

This is already the 3rd day I'm back home... I still feel like an alien coming out of jail... I don't recognize things that used to be familiar with me... I feel isolated... The way I used to feel... When I reach home, I don't even get a welcome home, that surely put me emotional, feeling down... Even online seemed like a new thing to me, have not been using it for almost 3 weeks... Why is this happening? Yes, because my heart has been torn apart... As days passes, I'm feeling worse... Why going through all these avoidable trouble...? Experience? No, I feel someone that is very important to me, doesn't trust me anymore, treating me like an outsider, I've been lock outside, not being able to go inside, I cannot do anything... Powerless... Loneliness... Why am I being treat differently? Yes, I know why... Because some are not suppose to know, so I have to get a different treatment... I only get to see when I am with that person, online or in real life... Other than that, I'm a total stranger... Texting each other, I lied actually... I got too many things to say until I don't feel like typing, words cannot express my feelings, so I always type the usual things... My logic is starting to take over my feelings, I can no longer be patient when logic is doing the work... I tend to get angry back and started to type things that I'm not suppose to say... Those who are important to me, I tried so hard to protect their feelings... Who's going to protect my feelings? They do not even understand me 1 bit, I just need something simple... Something that my parents used to give me when I was a child until 4 or 5 years old... Not good, I've been a crybaby when I was little, please just stay inside like this... I don't want to be weak anymore...

Misunderstand!?

Ok, I'll start with what I was doing when I started texting with you... I was at the cafe eating my dinner, and suddenly my friends were asking me to rush the moral assignment, the deadline which is tomorrow/today(the 13th). So basically my mood was ruined for like 30%, cause they did not ask me to do much, just the power point.. And then, the chinese asked us to go for dancing practice, which is not necessary for me to go, that ruined about 10%... ok fine~ these are thephysically things that bugs me~

Alright then, to the main point... Do you notice when I text you I were like pleading you? and all I get for a reply is no, bu fang bian, cannot? So I was frustrated with the assignment and all I got is nofrom you, then what can I do? so I was like no choice lo, tell her to have fun while I'm stuck in HELL... but what did you reply? Wei.. now I fang bian liao~ kns you... When I read this, do you know what I felt? Is like telling people to have fun and the other scold "fuck you / screw you"~ that's just basically made my mood from bad to worst... is Worst, not worse...

1st you said cannot call, then now you scold me for saying have fun... and you know I RARELY PUT ^_^... When I put it I mean it... I didn't said it like half ass, I'm dead serious.. So why did I get a scolding? I need an explaination on this... so what if I said have fun~ you can just say, eh, I haven't go there la, later free liao i call/you call~ why need to reply wei / kns you? Thanks to you, I didn't even sleep at night... 4am 5am 6am 7am woke up... and when I said I wanna settle with you, you said not now, wait.. you wanna know how I feel? but I don't plan to tell you unless you wanna know... that's all I wanna say... just reply me a post or a comment... I'm feeling really down...

5th & 6th of Febuary!

I've been waiting so long for that day to arrive, as I know both of us miss each other very much!~ As I was counting down, I couldn't wait to see her too ><". To be honest, I didn't slept well on Saturday(which is the 4th) night, thanks to my brother -_- so I had to stop half way during the way to Johor, to rest of course~

When I reach there is like 10am already I guess? I went to fetch her and ate breakfast, I already have mine earlier so I just watch her eat~ lol~ After that, we went around to see for reference books for her STPM~ I didn't mean to look tired, but after a long way of driving, that was energy consuming for my eyes, I'm sorry~ ><

We went to Danga Bay during the afternoon, it was a hot hot day and nobody was around o_o I guess we went at the wrong time~ lol. and what did we eat for lunch already? >< Ah yes, before we went into a mall, but I already forgotten what mall is it... Putra? My brain sucks =_=|| then we were trying how to hold our hands together, I felt happy when she's holding my hand xD (too bad my hand tends to get sweaty all the times, sorry ><) and we found out a nice arcade, which is quite updated too :D

After that, we went back to her house, it was kinda awkward for me to stay in, >< I try to be as polite as possible, of course they're not fake or anything, just trying to leave a good impression. She said I did a fine job, but still I think there's space for improvement~ It was our 1st date during the night, and thanks to some issues, we missed the movie~ I was a bit disappointed and glad at the same time~ Disappointed would be we missed the show, but that's not really the problem~ I'm glad because I get more time to look at her, taking a few stupid photos before we went back~ hahaha~

At her house, we don't have much stuff to do, we even played chess~ Well I was planning to teach her, but she's not in the mood, so oh well~ Spent a lot of time together, massaging her, hugging her~ and she even let me lean on her lap >///< (Felt so happy!)

We planned to wake up early for the next day, but because of me don't wanna bother her during her sleep + it's not so good to bother her mom, so I decided to let her sleep and watch some TV program~ When she woke up, she say that I didn't wake up her, I have my reasons not to do so, sorry ya~ >< then we went out to eat our breakfast, and buy her reference books~ I used my last RM50 on a pencil case, a bottle and 2 pile of papers~ and there goes my 50 voucher lol~ and since that day was Chinese Valentine's Day, we decided to buy each other chocolates~ even though it seemed simple, but it meant a lot to me :)

Then we went to a park near to her house, spend a lot of time together~ around 2 hours I guess, even though we didn't talk much, but I felt warm and happy~ Around evening, I kiss her goodbye and went home~ Even though she was expecting a hug from me, sorry I didn't notice~ ><

So, these are the summary of the happiest days of my life(currently of course lolol)~

Laopo~ I love you <3 (I'm looking forward to see you on June o) muuuack!~

苦し

Please grant me strength to continue, I cannot do anything without moral support... I already lose interest in what I used to do, I can't kill off my mood with playing games anymore, I feel tired most of the time even though I slept early at night... I have my own feelings, but what did I do to make me deserve these unwanted feelings? It's a miracle for me to endure until now, if my source were being cut, I don't think I can take it. Why am I being so down..? Am I that bad? Am I a person that hard to trust? Why always hurt me mentally and not physically? I'm not perfect but I'll try to do my best to keep up, is it wrong? My brain always thinking of something that can avoid all these, but I choose to hurt myself rather than other people. It's hard when you don't know what's going on around you, I'm being in the dark, with 1 hope... I do not know when I reach that hope, what's around me are still the same.. I feel isolated with other people, maybe because my interest is different, I can't fit into others I suppose. I'm sorry for being me, I have to say sorry to everyone including myself.. I'm sorry.

New Start!

Well, it's finally here... I'm gonna finish my course and get myself a diploma, and then a degree~ Just a beginning of my life, I sure hope I can concentrate and not play a fool anymore... It'll be sometime after I wrote another stuff here...

Here's a summary of my recent activities~ I went to my grandma's house and spent most of my time helping around and babysitting kids, it's not like I like it but it can't be helped when you're the eldest :/

And then I went to Genting Highlands, to relax~ Unfortunately, I still have to babysit 2 little kids and a teenager, the problem is more on the kid's side, their crying will drive people nuts, no kidding. Won a little bit of money, just to cover back the cost. Technically I'm just helping my grandma to win back her money she had lost. lol. Besides, I don't gamble~

Finally, there's today, long waited day. Comic Fiesta 2011, which is the 10th anniversary for the event, Malaysia's biggest ACG(anime, comic, games) event. The event is held for 2 days, and each day have more than 10 thousand visitors~ It's impressive all right, too bad I'm alone. It's kinda depressing y'know, over 10 thousand people and I'm standing there alone. Taking pictures and stuff, lol.

Guess I'll say goodbye to online stuffs for awhile.